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HELP!!!! My wife is 49 and despite her denial…

HELP!!!! My wife is 49 and despite her denial (to me but not others) is showing all the signs of menopause.

She went from loving passionate partner to don’t touch me, I don’t know you any more, I am not interested in what you think.

The mood swings are hard to cope with one moment I have my old partner back the next I am with this stranger.

The other night she said she was hot so opened all the bedroom windows, it was blowing a gale outside and the curtans were just about horizontal. I suggested we might compromise only to be told I was selfish. I ended up sleeping on the couch so I did not freeze to death. As for intimacy of any kind forget it.

I have read everything I can to better understand the issues and when I told her she said I was obsessive,not thank you for caring. In someways it’s a bit like having another teenager in the house but more intense.

I was surprised at the lack of internet sites to assist men understand menapause from a man’s perspective, either educational or lighthearted. Yours is the only one I have found.

I note you are putting an E book together but If you are still developing the site maybe an online support group from men would also be a great help. It would also provide lots of material for your book. I also couldn’t find any info from a womans perspective,about relationship issues there is lots about symptoms but not a personal perspective from a woman.

This is doing my head in I think its time for the mens shed therapy session.lol

davidb

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Peter B Butler

Peter loves his wife and family to bits. His next love is his cruiser motorbike. Within 6 months of getting married he was faced with coming to grips with Linda starting the menopause cycle. It made the early "coming together" part of marriage harder but it gave us a resolve and strength that has carried us through. To share and make a difference for others is our mission.

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Comments

  1. David,

    Mate, I know exactly where you’re at, the shed for refuge it is.

    I don’t have a definitive ‘fix’ but I do know you need to hang in there, it does get better.

    After 9 years we still go through the ‘waves’ of menopause. It’s just like the normal woman’s monthly cycle except multiplied by at least 100, maybe that should be 1000. Oh, and instead of it being monthly it can be on a weekly basis, or try twice a week… OMG!

    And good luck trying to reason it out, don’t go there because you will definitely do your head in.

    We have tried the “tell tale” indicators system, which doesn’t always work either. What I mean by that is this – there are certain things that Linda says or does ONLY when the hormones are out of balance and she’s acknowledged that but here’s the trouble. When the hormones are surging, or waning, not quite sure which all reasoning goes out the window. Sometimes she’ll acknowledge it, that although she’s feeling “this way” it might be amplified by the hormones but other times she might as well have thrown the fry pan at me by her emotive reaction… ouch!

    We are putting together a book but we both work full time so it’s a juggling act, we’ll keep you posted.

    On your thoughts on a forum type model that’s a possibility but here’s a question for you. Would you mind if I used your message to me as a post on the site, no contact details of course, just your name “David B from the safety of his shed” or something like that.

    The thing is, with my site people can actually make comments so that is a way to start some interaction. Are you ok with this?

    One suggestion though, even though your wife hasn’t acknowledged it to you she does know its’ going on. One of the things we do with our partners is to take it out on them, and that goes both ways. Try and give it less focus and attention and you’ll improve the chances of her turning around. Timing is the key.

    Let me know on “posting your request””.

    Kind Regards,

    Peter B Butler

  2. On Behalf Of davidb.

    Peter,

    Thanks for the response. Went to the Men’s Shed this AM there were 16 guys there and over a cup of tea nearly all recounted their dealings with a partner going through menopause. While some were sympathetic to their wife’s condition most were very critical recounting how through frustration at not understanding what was happening in their relationship they had ended up being abusive toward each other,they recalled yelling matches, arguments, changed sleeping arrangements,and living separate lives under the one roof.

    It is very sad that what was probably once a loving relationship could decline to the state that both parties now despised each other.

    Had they had access to the type of material you propose in your book or had they been able to share their frustrations / worries with someone who understood and had they had the awareness and taken the time to understand its course and symptoms they may have had very different outcomes and as a consquence, very different lives.

    When you reflect on it, there are literally thousands of people in total despair not knowing what is happening to their relationships, spending countless hours trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Why after many years of happiness and acceptance of each others differences those differences are now being amplified and have become immovable blocks to their happiness. One cant begin to calculate the synergistic affect that all this unhappiness has on the individual, their families, communities, the health system and society as a whole.

    There needs to be campaigns and workshops for both men and women to raise the communities awareness and to develop systems for support for both men and women.

    I have been involved in the management and delivery of human services for most of my adult life and I can honestly say that I have never given the matter much thought or consideration until now. Nor can I recall any community development around the issues. What a difference it may have made in some peoples lives had I been able to give them a simple book to read.

    Like many things in life we don’t notice it until it effects us directly.

    (Happy for you to use previous and this, in your post with the confidentiality you propose (can we use lower case as i have done here)) Hopefully it will encourage others to reach out.

    regards

    davidb

  3. Im in hell… The wife I have loved for 24 years has turned to me and said she loves me but not in love with me. Thank god for sites like this that give me rope to hold on too. Day to day at times I dont know my wife.. Other days she loves me. This is a very stressing time in my life…

  4. i am so glad i found this site i am going thru what all of you are talking about and O>M>G i feel like a i am in the twilght zone i am going to get the book and try too make some sence of this my wife is in full 100% denial she is in menopause i call menohell please keep wrighting because i see i am not the only one going thru this thanks randy

  5. It’s good to read of other experiences.I have unfortunately had the misfortune to have my wife leave.
    It seems after 30 years together I have done so much wrong and am now enemy number one.
    it is just devastating.friends don’t want to know and the kids are all taking it hard.
    This episode is ruining my life.

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